Two in the morning and I'm wide awake. I wish I could sleep but I can't.
The main reason I'm up is grief. I've lost a number of things this year.
I've lost a close friendship. I'm not sure why, but we've drifted apart. It hurts. I want to accept it and move on, but I can't.
I've lost a lot of confidence in myself. The main reason is because of a trip I took earlier this year. I took a similar trip in 2007. And I had a wonderful time. I went back this year hoping it would happen again.
Nope. It was high school all over again. I got to spend most of the time watching everyone else have a good time. There were a couple of incidents that ripped great bleeding holes in my self esteem. One involving the friend I mentioned. I thought it was a good thing. They thought otherwise and I didn't realize it until later.
That did wonders for my self worth.
And my latest e-book was the coup de grace. It was a year overdue. I got edits in only bits and pieces. The whole thing reminded me of the last time I worked, when the work I did had nothing whatsoever to do with the success of the project. I hate being used and that's how I felt, used.
So one of the things I feel best about, my ability to write, has been damaged. I now no longer belief whether I'm good at something matters.
Crap. I hate how this world works.
Subscribe To Romantic Heretic
Posts
Comments
11 comments:
The saying that it's always darkest before the dawn is a very true one. The Rob I've come to know through Diva's is a warm, thoughtful kind person who I'm happy to have as my friend. No one can make you feel bad without your permission. Friendships change throughout our lives. It may be for that friend that you met a need for them a while ago but now you, they and your circumstances have altered and the nature of the friendship alters. That isn't anyones fault - it just is. Hugs and love to you and keep writing. Writing is what makes us whole.
Oh, Rob. Hugs. I'm sorry you have had such a rough year. I hope things get better for you.
But this is going to be one of those platitudes that everyone says, but I firmly believe it. As a matter of fact I live it.
You can't let others dictate your self esteem. No one can make you feel that you are less of a person but you.
Of course, whether you are good at something matters, even if it only matters to you. You aren't the sole responsible party. I know that it is your name on it, and that is what counts in the end, but we know that there are other hands at work.
Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back to writing, and now there are a bunch of Divas who would do anything for you.
Been there. Done that.
The ONLY thing that got me through was continue to write write write, even if I thought it was shit. Even if I despised every fucking word I wrote.
I just kept going.
I reread some of the stuff I wrote then and I'm stunned. I wrote that?
Thanks all. :)
I'll be cool. I just had to vent a little.
Won't be sleeping before tomorrow night though. Sigh.
I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. I don't think there is anything I can say about the socializing/friendship issue, because I'm always the wallflower myself. My only long term relationships are with blood relatives-everyone else comes and goes.
But about your writing-writing is something that ties into our self esteem, whether that esteem is good or bad, because it is so personal. It is something we create completely and if we believe ourselves to be flawed in some way, so must our writing be.
It ain't so, my friend. I really enjoy your work. I was actually going to prod you today about when I was getting another installment because I can't wait to read what happens next.
You're a good writer. Don't let the monster in the closet keep you from doing something you love.
Hugs,
Sarah
That which does not kill us pisses us off enough to make us fight harder. Take time to lick your wounds then get back on that horse! All writers struggle. Consider this fodder for your work and know that you'll twist it into something great!
Thanks sarah, inez. :)
Doing better this morning. Even got some writing done.
I'm so sorry Rob. Some people aren't worth being friends with, I tell myself that same thing all the time.
{{{HUGS}}}
Thanks you, dana. :)
Well, Rob, all I can do is say that I like your writing and I like you. Opinionated, anti-establishment, and a bunch of other words that I might have forgotten that would fit the sixties better. I hate the trauma (that is NOT too strong a word) that comes from a bad publishing experience after you've put heart, soul, and time into something. It passes when something good happens, although the crappy feeling can really screw your self-esteem (I do understand that, one megadisaster really messed with my head--it was called Triskelion).
Look at what you could have done differently, and let the rest go. You'll be okay, pal. xoxoxo
Thanks Ciar. *HUGS*
Post a Comment